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captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. makes me feel real good. thank you so much. hope you guys have been doing all right tonight. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon." hey, did you guys see this? during a speech on friday -- during a speech on friday, mitt romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. which should work fine, as long as your parents are mitt and ann romney. [ laughter ] some more election news, yesterday bill clinton joined president obama on the campaign trail in virginia. yeah, obama is staying at a marriott. while bill is staying at this place recommended by secret service. [ laughter ] who told him where to go. >> steve: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, after the prostitution scandal in colombia, secret service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. yep. the new policy is raising lots of questions like, "so, your place then?"

[ laughter ] perfect. check this out. as part of a new deal with nbc, ryan seacrest will be covering the 2012 elections. of course -- [ laughter ] that makes sense, right? it's going to be weird when he's like, "to vote for obama text one. to vote for romney text two." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and the results, right after the break. [ laughter ] here is a sweet story here. this is nice. last week, a man running the london marathon stopped 800 yards from the finish line to propose to his girlfriend. [ audience aws ] unfortunately, though, a guy from kenya passed him ended up proposing first. [ laughter ] so she's gotta go with him. that's it. [ applause ] this is just insane. a man in california - this is a true story. can't believe it. this is insane. a man in california is suing bmw after a ride on one of their motorcycles gave him an erection

that lasted 20 months. [ laughter ] true story. i'm gonna read that again, steve. i can't believe that's real. a man in california is suing bmw after a ride on one of their motorcycles gave him an erection that lasted 20 months. [ laughter ] and you think he had it bad. you should talk to the guy he was sitting behind. [ laughter ] calm down, gary. >> steve: new pole position. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that what that's called? >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: that's right. a guy is suing bmw after his erection lasted 20 months, which means it took a 19-month erection for the guy to go, "okay, now this is getting ridiculous. [ laughter ] honey?" the good news about this guy. he found a lawyer that'll work pro-boner. [ laughter ] so that's good. that's the good news. [ applause ]

finally, there's a new dating site aimed at matching up women who like to travel with men willing to pay for their trips. [ laughter ] it's part of a new dating trend called prostitution. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight, you guys. give it up for the roots, right there! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's getting heavy heavy on me it's getting heavy heavy on me ♪ ♪ can you help me? it's getting heavy on me yeah ♪ ♪ it's getting heavy heavy on me it's getting heavy heavy on me ♪ ♪ can you help me? it's getting heavy on me yeah ♪ [ vocalizing ]

>> jimmy: hey, that is maroon 5. keyboardist pj morton, sitting in with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] his ep "following my first mind" is out now and you can see him live tuesday at highline ballroom here in new york. thanks for being here, buddy. appreciate it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: sounds good. sounds great. [ cheers and applause ] pj morton. we have a great show tonight. oh, this movie is going to be huge. from "the avengers," captain america himself, chris evans is here. [ cheers and applause ] she is a talented young actress who's getting a lot of attention from a new hbo show, "girls." allison williams is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] she's a talented person. and we got music from tom morello featuring ben harper tonight. [ cheers and applause ] it's going to be great. great crowd. going to be a fun show. hey guys, i've noticed a trend on facebook where people post an image of an inspiring quote on their wall for everyone to see.

quotes usually by someone famous like actor or politician or historical figure. i love reading them but sometimes i'll read one and think, like, did they really say that? it can be hard to tell because no one checked these quotes to see if they're real or not. so i'm going to show you guys what i'm talking about in a new segment called, "don't quote me." here we go. ♪ ♪ don't quote me 'cause i'm♪ >> jimmy: this first quote is from one of the wisest film characters ever created, yoda. [ laughter ] he says, "size matters not. look at me. judge me by my size, do you? hmm? hmm? and well you should not." [ laughter ] it's a pretty famous yoda quote. >> steve: super famous. >> jimmy: you know that's real. but here's another one from yoda. "just so we're clear, big down there, i am." [ laughter ] i don't think he said that. >> steve: you don't think he said that? >> jimmy: i don't know if that's real or not. let's see. look at the next one. from bernard baruch. he's an old statesman. he says, "those who mind, don't matter. and those who matter, don't mind."

actually sounds like something yoda would say. >> steve: yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but here's another quote from bernard. "but those who don't matter the mind, do the matter and those don't mind -- sorry, i'm really high right now." [ laughter ] that makes sense now, yeah. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: mind bender. our next quote is from mae west. she was a very famous actress back in the 30s and 40s. she said, "y only live once but if you do it right, once is enough." what a spitfire. here's a quote from larry king. "you only live once but if you do it right, you'll live forever." [ laughter ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: weird, right? maybe he's immortal. i don't know. >> steve: i think he is. >> jimmy: here is a quote from albert camus, the famous french-algerian author. he said, "don't walk behind me. ofmay not lead.n'n lkt , t ionm i may nolk illfront of me. i may not follow. just walk beside me and be my friend." that's sweet. make me a little misty. makes me misty. >> steve: up in the eye area? >> jimmy: yeah, upper eye region.

[ laughter ] here's another one from camus. it says, "except for you girl with that fine-ass behind, you o can walk in front of me any day of the week." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that doesn't sound like something albert camus would say. >> steve: maybe he didn't like -- you know, i don't know. >> jimmy: the next quote is from the beautiful co-host of "dancing with the stars," brooke burke. she said, "i am horrified of lobsters. they are the cockroaches of the ocean." [ laughter ] that's pretty harsh. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: here is another quote in response to brooke's. this is from a lobster. [ laughter ] he said, "we've been brooke burke fans for many years now. she and tom bergeron do a great job co-hosting 'dancing with the stars.' we always bought her sexy swimsuit calendars. it's unfortunate that she thinks so poorly of us. but alas, we remain fans and shall forever until her last blessed breath on this beloved earth." [ laughter ] >> steve: think that was from --

>> jimmy: from a lobster, yeah. here is a quote from george eliot, who is actually a lady who wrote under a male pen name. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: yeah. she's a famous british novelist. she said, "it is never too late to be what you might have been." i like that. very inspiring. here is another one from george eliot. "unless you're wilford brimley, then you're pretty much stuck being the crotchety guy who looks like a walrus." [ laughter ] a little mean. why would she have to say that? [ applause ] >> steve: you think she saw into the future? >> jimmy: that's all. i don't know. here is a quote from former president franklin delano roosevelt, a.k.a., fdr. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: he said, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." really famous quote. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: that's definitely real. then look this other one from fdr. "oh, my god, did you guys see that spider? it was huge. oh my god, oh my god, get it, get it. someone kill it. it's on me. i can feel it on me. oh, no, use your shoe. or here, take this copy of the constitution. i don't care, just kill that spider!" [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if he would say that. >> steve: you think he said that? >> jimmy: he doesn't freak out. wow.

we are down to our last quote. from german philosopher, friedrich nietzsche. he said, "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger." probably one of the most famous quotes in the world. i love that one. here's another one from nietzsche. "a fourth bong hit is always a bad idea." [ laughter ] that's all the time we have for "don't quote me." stick around, everybody. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ bell tolls ] so, agents, why did i make you wear these costumes? because the new avengers movie is coming out. and what does that have to do with us? we're the superheroes of insurance. [ makes whooshing sound ] whoa! how did you-- shh. [ all gasping ] [ announcer ] we are insurance. ♪ we are farmers bum-pa-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum ♪ [ metal clanging ]

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. welcome back. here on "late night" -- [ cheers and applause ] okay. here at "late night", we are always a step ahead when it comes to new technology. you are about to see what i mean. it's time for "audience voicemails." here we go. >> who this is?

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's right. i have right here the hacker 9,000. [ light laughter ] what this does, it allows us to hack into anyone's phone and listen to their voicemails. this device is so top secret, we are not even supposed to be telling you about it. the only other person who knows about it is rupert murdoch. [ laughter ] let me show you how it works. how are you doing? stand up. did you bring your phone? >> yeah. >> jimmy: good. what is your name? >> shawn. >> jimmy: shawn? where you from, shawn? >> seattle. >> jimmy: you're from seattle, very good. keep your phone in that nice little bag there. [ laughter ] okay. this thing probably works with phones from 1992. [ laughter ] here we go. put it in the hacker 9,000. we will hear the most recent voicemail on your phone. >> bleep. shawn, this is your roommate, jeremy. last night, with you were crazy man. you were so wasted.

[ light laughter ] you remember when you got up on the bar and danced around? and you took off all your clothes? and you took that green plaid shirt that you like, and you were whipping it around above your head. and then you did that thing where you flossed your butt cheeks with that green plaid shirt? [ laughter ] i couldn't believe it man, you were so crazy. i just hope you changed out of that green plaid shirt, dude. [ laughter ] i know you said you were going to see jimmy fallon and i would hate for people to know that green shirt was up your butt last night. [ laughter and applause ] that would be embarrassing. anyway, as per usual, i will be late on the rent this month, bro. see you later, man. >> jimmy: thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] get your phone ready, if you have one there. nice carrying case you have there too. [ laughter ]

okay, here -- what is your name? >> chad. >> jimmy: chad, where you from? >> hattiesburg, mississippi. >> jimmy: oh, really. welcome to new york, buddy. you're about to get hacked. [ laughter ] >> all right. >> jimmy: listen to your voicemail. >> hi, chad, it's lisa. listen, i'm sorry i got freaked out last night and ran out of your apartment. i just wasn't really prepared for what you showed me. [ laughter ] but i thought it over and it's totally fine that you have a third nipple. [ laughter ] i know it took a lot of courage for to you share that with me because you've never told anyone. but don't worry, your secret is safe with me. i won't tell anyone about your third nipple. or the fourth one on your butt. [ laughter ] okay, bye. >> jimmy: sorry about that. thank you, thank you very much. sorry to hear about that. [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to cut through. actually not yet, i'll start

with you. what is your name? >> natasha. >> jimmy: natasha, where you from? >> toronto. >> jimmy: toronto, very good. [ cheers and applause ] do you have your phone? cool. no problem. so you guys share the same phone? >> i'm her aunt. >> jimmy: you're her aunt? okay, very cool. hack into your aunt's phone. [ light laughter ] but the message is for you, i think. yeah. let's hear what it says. >> beep. hey, natasha, it's cody. hey, i was just remembering, back in college when you used to do that funky octopus dance. remember that? it was so funny. how you jerked your head around end sling your arms all over the place. i bet wherever you are, the people around you would love to see the funky octopus dance. [ cheers and applause ] come on, you should do it. do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it! [ cheers ]

oh, man. now that i think about it, you look kind of dumb when you do that dance. >> jimmy: oh, that's ridiculous. thank you. >> the reason i'm calling is because i made some pretty bad choices recently, and i could use a loaner to the tune of about 1,100 bucks. >> jimmy: okay. thank you. let's go around here and see what's up. [ cheers and applause ] how you doing? do you have your phone on you? perfect. thank you, pal. what's your name? >> derek. >> jimmy: derek? where you from? >> toronto. >> oh, toronto as well. toronto in the house. i love it. thanks for coming. all right, derek, here we go. your voicemail. >> beep. hey derek, it's john, from "twigs" the all male strip club in toronto. [ laughter ] catering to women like big men with small packages, eh.

anyway we got your full frontal nude photos. and i guess your ex girlfriend sent them us to. i guess you are just the kind of stripper we are looking for at "twigs." the home of a teeny weenie stuffed into a man's bikini. anyway, ain't nothing wrong if it ain't too long. so derek, i first thought the photo was a fellow holding a tootsie roll. but you are perfect for our club. you were born with a beautiful acorn, derek. and we can't wait for you to get started at our tiny genital strip club here on young street in toronto. [ laughter ] good-bye to you. >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] how you doing, buddy? nice to see you. hand it over. you're about to get hacked. here we go. last voicemail. >> hi there, buddy. it is dr. frank calling from the hair restoration clinic. [ laughter ] and i just wanted to check in and see how your hair transplant is feeling.

still can't believe you went completely bald at such a young age. but on the bright side, we were able to take hair from your downstairs region and move them upstairs. [ laughter ] i'm almost positive no one will be able to tell that on your head, right now, are literally thousands of your own black curlies. >> jimmy: all right, wow. >> hey your carpet matches the drapes because your drapes are made out of carpet. when i told my colleagues i was able to take your pubic hairs and stick them on your head, they told me i was being very irresponsible, but hey, it worked. enjoy the hair. see you later, buddy. bye. >> jimmy: all right, the doctor does that. thank you. give it up for these folks. they are all good sports. we'll be right back with chris evans. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest starred as the title character in the blockbuster "captain america, the first avenger." now he is back and joined by other superheroes in marvel's "the avengers" which is in imax 3d, and theaters everywhere on friday. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, chris evans. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you so much. chris evans. [ cheers and applause ] you're a good man. thank you for coming back. how long are you going to be in new york for? >> i got to leave tomorrow. >> jimmy: you do? >> back to prague. i'm filming a movie in prague. so i came in just for you. >> jimmy: see, you're a good man. thank you so much. >> this is what i do.

>> jimmy: now, this is what another giant movie you're doing in prague? >> well, i don't know about a giant movie. but it is a good movie. it's called "snowpiercer." it has tilda swinton and ed harris and octavia spencer. >> jimmy: you just get offered movie roles now? you don't have to audition anymore? >> no, oh no, i still audition. i'm horrible at it. it's an uphill battle. >> jimmy: i always hated auditions. >> you have auditioned. it is not an easy thing. some people are good and some people are bad. >> jimmy: you're not good? what's a bad story? >> i've been bad. i've been bad. i have. >> jimmy: tell me one that's just awful. >> i got a good one. i got a good one. it's not that it was a bad audition. it wasn't even -- it wasn't even an audition. it was a meeting. i was going to meet -- i was going to meet ben affleck. and i was going to meet ben affleck on "gone, baby gone." it wasn't an audition. i was just going to meet they guy. i struggle. i'm very pale, so i turn very red and i sweat.

>> jimmy: socially awkward fellow. >> that's just what happens when i get nervous. it just goes south. so i walk -- i park my car, walk into this meeting. i'm walking through the building and i'm looking for the room. and i pass a certain room and i heard somebody say, there he is. and i was like, oh, that's ben. and just like, i got nervous. which is standard. i got nervous and i -- i wouldn't shake his hand. just my gut reaction. i just -- i said -- i said, hey, good to meet you. am i going to be okay where i parked? [ laughter ] oh, we haven't even gotten there yet. it gets so much worse. >> jimmy: that's how you opened? >> i said, hey, we going to be okay where i park? he is like, "yeah. where did you park?" i said, "at a meter." and he said, "did you put money in the meter?" [ laughter ] and i said, "yeah."

and he said, "i think you'll be okay." [ laughter ] >> fantastic story. >> it gets worse. then i just wanted out. i just wanted to get out of the room. and you know, i just came out with one word. they put me -- i was in a chair, the chair i was in, swiveled and rocked. so i'm sitting there, just kind of -- rocking and swiveling just trying to get out of this room as fast as i can. i didn't get the job. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, that's weird. that's weird. well, i think you're doing okay. >> yeah. >> jimmy: captain america. >> yeah. >> jimmy: here you are. now, "the avengers" is captain america plus all these other superheroes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: all coming together. who do you got, the hulk. >> who is it -- it's cap, thor, it's iron man, it's hulk, hawkeye, scarlett, who is the black widow. a lot of people. >> jimmy: these superheroes have like, special powers. >> yeah. >> jimmy: captain america

just -- what is -- what does he do? >> well he is a really good guy. >> jimmy: that's the power? he's a good guy. >> the first time i saw the movie, i was like, man, this guy has no business in this crew. [ laughter ] i mean, you have -- it's not -- i shouldn't, you know -- i love the character. but you got to be -- i mean, you have the hulk ripping jets in half and thor is calling down thunder and you know, iron man is shooting missiles. and i'm like, i'll just take the stairs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll take the stairs. carry my shield with me. >> exactly. i'm here too. but you know -- >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> he will help you move on a sunday. he will pick you up from the airport. watch your dog. >> jimmy: that's a good guy. >> no, he is a good man. i think his relevance comes

forward and -- what's with him. >> jimmy: yeah. you play it well. >> he is a good man. >> jimmy: it's very, very good. i want to show everyone a clip of marvel's "the avengers." here is chris evans as captain america. >> you speak of control, yet you cause chaos.0gz >> that's his m.o. isn't it? what are we, a team? >> no, no, we are a chemical mixture that makes chaos. we're a time bomb. >> you, leave, step away. >> why shouldn't the guy let off a little steam? >> you damn well why, back off. >> i'm starting to want you to make me. >> yeah, big man in a suit of armor. take that off and what are you? >> genius, billionaire, playboy. >> i know guys that's none of that worth ten of you. i have seen the footage. the only thing you really fight you're not the guy who made the sacrifice play. to laid down on the wire and let the other guy crawl over you. >> i think i would just cut the wire. >> always a way out, you know, you may not be threat, but

better stop pretending to be a hero. >> a hero? like you? you're a laboratory experiment, rogers. everything special about you came out of a bottle. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: drama. turn up the drama. >> lay it on thick. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> it's funny. >> jimmy: you know, what was great the last time you were here? it was so great. >> what was great about it? >> jimmy: i tell what you was great. i challenge you to a nice gentleman game of beer pong. >> as men. >> jimmy: as men would do. >> as mature adults. how did i behave? >> jimmy: like a child. horribly. you behaved like a child. you were yelling. you were just being so -- >> saturated in arrogance. how did i perform? >> jimmy: awfully. >> can we -- >> jimmy: i do have a clip of how bad you were at beer pong. >> do we know -- >> jimmy: here is chris evans and i. >> jimmy: have you ever played beer pong? >> are you kidding me? i'm from boston. >> jimmy: first to land two wins the whole game. >> yeah, i know how it works. embarrassing. your show.

get in the cup, come on, chris. oh, what's happening! [ laughter ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you up for a rematch, my friend? >> oh, yeah. oh, yeah. >> jimmy: chris evans and i are playing beer pong. when we come back the rematch of the century. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ you've got to be kidding me. sweetie, help us settle this. i say this and this is called southern hospitality. well, i call it the clean getaway. [ scoffs ] you're both wrong. it's the freshy fresh. everyone knows that. i didn't know that. oh yeah, that's what they're saying now. [ female announcer ] nothing leaves you feeling cleaner and fresher than the cottonelle care routine.

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. i'm here with the great chris evans. and we are going head-to-head in a beer pong rematch. chris, the rules are simple. we take turns, one shot each. if your ball lands in your cup, you chug the beer. first to land two wins. losers first. so go ahead and throw. >> ooh, aggressive, big man. >> jimmy: yeah. >> big talk. all right ready? >> jimmy: good luck to you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> chris! ♪ >> jimmy: oh, evans. not again. >> i refuse. ♪

>> jimmy: way off, way off. >> terrible. ♪ [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: doesn't count. >> i made it, it doesn't count! ♪ >> jimmy: you're getting crushed. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the winner, chris evans, everybody! marvel's "the avengers" is in imax 3-d and in theaters everywhere on friday. allison williams joins us next.

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try them together. - i see a little silhouetto - [ of a man.chatter ] - ♪ - scaramouche. scaramouche. will you do the fandango? oh. thunderbolt and lightning-- very, very frightening me. - galileo. - galileo. - galileo? - figaro. easy come, easy go. will you let me go? - bismillah, no. - [ together ] we will not let you go. - let me go. - we will not let you go! [ high operatic voice ] ♪ let me go ♪ [ rock ]

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a lovely and talented actress who is one of the stars of hbo's critically acclaimed new comedy, "girls."

say hello to allison williams! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on the show. >> oh, my gosh, thank you for having me. >> and congratulations. hbo just picked up "girls" for a second season. >> they did. >> jimmy: yeah. good. [ cheers and applause ] how exciting. how fun. >> oh my gosh. it's the best. >> jimmy: how'd you get involved with this? i know it's judd apatow. it's his show, right? >> yes. he's our executive producer. and i auditioned. and i auditioned because he saw a music video that i did called mad men theme song with a twist. >> jimmy: that's how you did this? >> oh, yeah. i mean, it was really exciting to hear from him, saying "we like you in the video. i think you have something in common with the character." the terrifying thing is that it meant that he had also seen a music video that i did in college when i covered tik tok

by ke$ha. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i remember you did that, yeah. you did a very serious version of it. >> yes. very serious wearing a pink v-neck sweater. very slung down and picturing judd apatow watching that is a little bit horrifying. >> jimmy: no, it was good though. >> well it's weird because it has a huge following in turkey. [ laughter ] yeah, it does. the video i -- >> jimmy: turkey? >> a huge following in the country, turkey. and its largest concentration of viewers is in turkey. and when it came out, i got a bunch of facebook messages, that i'm sure were meant to be very nice and lovely, but came off really weirdly. like i think the translation software is faulty or something. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: give us an example? >> yeah. i actually brought some examples for you. "i think the way we are pure. can you do not angry we please." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do not angry we please. >> "i did it because i wonder you." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wonder you. >> i wonder you. >> "so you can think me your fan." >> jimmy: it's close to something. >> yeah. it's close to something. >> jimmy: it's a compliment at least. >> well, yeah, i mean, i think

so. >> jimmy: i mean, i wonder you. we all wonder you. [ laughter ] we all wonder you. [ applause ] and i think me your fan. >> i wonder you. >> jimmy: yeah. was this you -- so this is your first big audition in l.a.? >> it was my first big audition in l.a. but i had auditioned previously. >> jimmy: and then you ended up coming back new york. >> yeah, i came right back to new york. >> jimmy: that's great. >> and i crashed with my parents. >> jimmy: and you're still crashing with your parents? >> i am still crashing with my parents on their fold-out couch since april 2011. >> jimmy: you won't leave? >> i won't leave. they put a pad on top of it. it's super cozy. and we actually -- >> jimmy: on the pull out couch? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh my god. >> and we congregate there at the end of the night. they have a very cool social life. so at the end of the night i'll be waiting for them. >> jimmy: they're very cool parents. i love your mom and dad. and for everyone who doesn't know, your dad is brian williams, from nbc's nightly news, brian williams. [ cheers and applause ] we love. we love him! he's america's news man. he's the best. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and he's a funny human being. >> he is a funny human being. >> jimmy: did he watch -- i slow jammed the news with the president the other night. >> oh i know. >> jimmy: was he crying?

>> with excitement. i mean he -- >> jimmy: was he upset that he got replaced? >> it was very flattering. >> did he get replaced? is this something he should know? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: the president wants to do it. hey you have to come back and slow jam with me. >> i guess it's, like, the one person that's allowed to take your job. >> jimmy: it's the president of the united states. >> yeah. they take someone's job every couple of years. >> jimmy: what was he saying though? was he banging the table? >> no, if he was tense, it was all very, very muffled. but i think two days later, he interviewed the president. and i'm sure, 'cause it's the anniversary of bin laden being killed. and i'm sure a lot of the questions were very legitimate and about bin laden. but i bet he snuck in a couple questions about slow jamming. like how many times did you watch my tape? did you study it? >> jimmy: did you practice it? yeah, yeah, yeah. >> did you listen to my voice? >> jimmy: good, good, good. yeah, i did want to burn him a little bit. >> no, i mean, he was cool about it. >> jimmy: oh yeah, he is cool as always. he's the best. let's talk about "girls" now. your character in "girls." >> yeah, i play a character named marnie. and she's very cool. and i was immediately drawn to her for a number of reasons.

but one of them is that she's very type a. and i am now and always have been type a. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i don't know if you are a list maker. i am, like, a compulsive list maker. and i always have been and i recently uncovered proof of that. i think you have it. >> jimmy: this is really cool. >> when i was in fourth grade. this is an example of a list i made. >> jimmy: just look at this. you made this list in fourth grade? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. so, home from school. [ laughter ] >> well, schedule. i love the way schedule is spelled. >> jimmy: yeah. it's a new way. what are you, from turkey? >> yeah. i'm from -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. here you go. so, home from school. >> home from school. the first thing is to set out this very note. >> jimmy: so you did that. there you go. you got to make goals that you can accomplish. >> yeah. and a reminder to dad. because, i mean, he is a forgetful dad, i guess. >> jimmy: yeah. >> as best as can be, do your homework. >> jimmy: do your homework, yeah. practice piano at least 15 minutes. >> well yeah. >> jimmy: set out clothes for tomorrow. >> yeah. >> jimmy: shower, if needed. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: if you don't need it, why do it? >> why do it. there's nothing worse than an unneeded shower.

>> jimmy: yeah. water conservation. >> yeah. >> jimmy: read at least a half hour. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. aol. last priority. [ laughter ] >> it's seven on the list. but because i knew by seven i would have already started thinking about going on aol. and it's like, listen, ally, as i called myself. >> jimmy: yeah, ally. listen ally. yeah, now where are we now? >> care for various animals. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and what does that mean? >> as if i had a small working farm. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. what various animals? are you like -- >> i don't know. i had a dog named lucy at that time. and potentially a parakeet. i don't know where the parakeet died in this timeline. >> jimmy: wait, what's going on? what are you talking about? >> the parakeet. unfortunately i had a parakeet named alex. i tried to teach him to speak. and one winter we moved alex just to accomplish a small task in our kitchen. and alex expired because he got to cold. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: could he speak? >> not then. and never, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thought he was maybe one of those talking parrots. just like, "it's freezing out here." >> no, i tried.

>> jimmy: it's freezing out here. [ laughter ] >> it's a tiny bird. >> jimmy: it's a tiny -- >> it's a tiny bird. and it never learned how to talk. i even recorded a tape of my voice. and i tried to leave it playing when i went to school so that it will learn how to talk. i was like, alex. alex. and -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you drove the bird crazy. yeah, you probably drove him -- [ laughter ] >> insane, yes. >> jimmy: who is alex. he doesn't know his name is alex. >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: last on the list there is always, have a little snack. not that big, though. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like changing pjs, and then, look at the -- not on monday. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what was monday? >> i don't know. i don't remember sleeping naked. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so not on monday. only monday nights. >> this monday night. >> jimmy: well, tonight is monday. so everyone out there watching. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah. no pjs. >> jimmy: no pjs. no pjs tonight. i want to show a clip from the show "girls." here is allison williams, you guys. >> i feel like i have to say something. >> what do you have to say?

>> i really need to tell you that i'm not going to -- i'm not going to kiss you. >> with why would you think that i would want to kiss you? >> i don't know -- i was going out on a limb. >> when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. that's the saying. people say that. >> it's been a long time since i heard that. well, touche. i just felt like i had to say it. >> okay. >> okay? >> i see. >> jimmy: congrats on this. [ cheers and applause ] it's very funny. you're very funny. you're awesome. come back whenever. "girls" airs sundays at 10:30 on hbo. allison williams everybody. we'll be back with tom morello featuring ben harper. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is one of the greatest guitarists around and well known for his work with rage against the machine, audioslave and his newest project, the nightwatchman. tonight he is joined by ben harper and the roots, for a song from his latest album, "worldwide rebel songs," please welcome, tom morello! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i hurt the gentlest souls i robbed my wife and son i turned my back on troubles troubles i'd begun ♪ ♪ i cut a swath of

pain and loss through the hallways of my home ♪ ♪ in the quiet of my room i know the things i've done ♪ save the hammer for the man save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ it's the calling of the wretched it's the rising of the damned ♪ ♪ save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ i leaned against the hot murder wind beneath a hateful rain ♪ ♪ politics apocalypse start to look the same ♪ ♪ the price of my redemption will mean the end of many things ♪ ♪ the ransom for my soul

the blood of generals and kings ♪ ♪ save the hammer for the man save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ i sinned and i have suffered and it feels good in my hands ♪ ♪ save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ driven from the city in the wilderness i stand ♪ ♪ in the cleansing

rain in silence i made my battle plan ♪ ♪ i will whisper words of freedom i will swing hard as i can ♪ ♪ lord knows the time has come and save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ save the hammer for the man save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ if the fire's hot enough iron and steel will bend save the hammer for the man ♪ ♪ na na, na na, na na, na na, na ♪ ♪ na na, na na, na na, na na, na ♪ ♪ na na, na na, na

na, na na, na ♪ ♪ na na, na na, na na, na na, na ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪